At times, I feel so much immense sadness, for things I’ve done, for how I’ve acted in certain situations, to people I love dearly. So much so that when I sleep, I replay those memories in my head, and weep. And when I wake physical tears roll down my face. Of course, these dreams are manifestations of real-life events and dramatized for my viewing pleasure but they still feel so current.

Seeing my nephews and niece all grown up, caring for them when they were just a baby and I a kid, a young uncle I was. but we grew together, taught each other things and now they are adults and I don’t know why but it makes me sad, perhaps it is because at times I feel stuck in the past like they are moving on, growing but I somehow stayed trapped in the past. Frozen. Getting older, wrinkles slowly fade in from worn skin. But I feel blessed to have a good connection with them all.

And I know the hazards and pitfalls in this crazy world and I want to protect them forever but I know that is not realistic, so instead, I treasure the moments, which may be far and few between, but I treasure them just the same.

Another thing that has been bothering me, involves my older sister, who once claimed me as her ‘soul sister’ but we grew apart, distance became us. And I hurt her with my words as a result to protect mother which my sis hurt her with her words{but it still does not justify my actions}. Their relationship has been damaged for quite some time, I just wish they could come to peace and make amends.

As for our relationship between my sis and I, It feels like it will never be fixed, the damage is done. Irreversible. The point is moot. We grow farther apart.  It hurts my soul, to know that at the time, my uncontrollable mind took the front seat, and I a mere observer of the events that unfolded could not stop it. I don’t have many regrets but I regret in my life ever hurting others with my words {not a common theme but it has happened before}, it’s unacceptable and I beat myself up for it every day {even when I think I have forgiven myself and moved on, made amends, those deep seeded feelings of remorse spring up in my dreams}. Especially the fact that I hurt my ‘soul sister’ the one who was my 2nd mom growing up, who put her life before my own to protect me against my babysitter when I was just a boy, she continued to take care of me into my young adult life and did so up to my 30’s. She is one of the most open-minded and loving persons, one of the ones who accepted me 100% for who I was without condition, and now I am not sure I will ever get the chance to repair what we once had. I miss her so much.

It is the saddest thing, to weep while we sleep…




Are we but demons of our past

Clawing our way to the finish line

Heaping over spilled blood and rot

Pathetic in our attempt to control

the forbidden

To traverse the unknown

Do we lay our hope in sinking tombstones?

And let that hope slip away into the sunrise

When we expire and meet our maker

Hope precedes

Trampled down again by 

Rapturous rain

Soaking and spinning into oblivion

We want something

But which we know the consequences and

Aftermath will not equate to happiness or


But rather less

Are we so devious in our nature

That which we seek we shan’t have

And think 'just one glass' ' just one bite' 'just a simple touch'

but yet we take one glass. One bite or touch

And instantly

Ravaged and made beast to the thing which we cannot escape (our vices)


And we want more--

Are we doomed to repeat

the sins of our past

To lie fickle

Darkness holding us captive

Lying helplessly in bed

Hand to head

unstable beating heart

Still wanting more

even knowing the outcome

our minds deceive us



Lips perched

Body taut


Waiting for that last little taste or drink or touch...

But we must be something more!

Remember Me

I want them to say at my funeral– ‘oh such a waste for  such a talented young man
to go too soon’ and all those other cliche things–
I want them to weep but only shortly

Then celebrate the life I led, the one they knew about, the masked face that I revealed to them
not out of malice or ill concede
but rather because it was just so hard to be honest (or at least that is how it felt)
a war raging full-force inside my mind
and in my world
the dark side
And I want them to remember me as I was
A good son, loving brother, uncle, and friend
a writer, musician, artistic type
rather than my inadequacies or random bouts of frivolity
The good memories I shared with each of you
and those you shared with me, which I to this day hold in my heart, special treasures
a man can only be so lucky as I
to have loved and been loved by so many
because love is one of the greatest lessons in life
but sometimes it is not enough to set us free
or appease our inner-demons
So, remember me
When I made you laugh or smile
the painted smile on my face that lit my soul on fire (even if you didn’t know)
The man that I should have been

I want you all to remember me
when I’m gone


Ode to Sleep

Ode to sleep–
In dreams may come…
A visage of what my mind
Interpretation of concrete reality
Bricks form foundation
Transform into a grand affair
The mystery of the episode yet to manifest

In dreams may come…
Betwixt the setting sun
The dawning of a new beginning
My heart goes pitter-patter
Buzzing with electric excitement
A moderate but moving cadence
As my head softly lands on the pillow
For him
The one who visits me in my dreams
or answers from the silent one
That resides, inferior to the conscious mind
In dreams may come…