Sea of Emotions

Sometimes I wish I could just wash it all away. The panic, pain, fear, and anxieties. Fighting this war within myself is exhausting. I feel guilty for even thinking such thoughts. But I can’t help it. I’m broken. It’s an unshakable feeling of desperation and pain. My past submerged deep into my subconscious. Mind melting with emotions. Oceans wave that sucker-punches me, leaving me gasping for air, trying to breathe, to float, to prepare for the next wave.

Such is my life.

A series of turbulent ocean waves. The solution has always been my writing. As I pen this post, I begin to feel better. The sun is shining bright. I made it to my destination, my next meeting, to talk about my research project with Dr. Weatherford. My moment of weakness has diminished. I am strong. I will keep fighting this battle. There is a purpose for all this madness. This constant ebb and flow of happiness and sadness. He made me this way because He knew I could handle it. He made me this way for a reason. Even in our darkest days and moments, we are worthy of life.

Keep fighting that valiant battle. Cherish each moment!

Best regards,


Reflection-Fighting the good fight; thoughts on my current mental state

Hey there,

It’s been awhile since I wrote. My life has been consumed by school and lab duties including my own academic research project on facial recognition and diversity. My daily stressors have at times got the best of me, more so now in this moment. It’s like I can be doing so well and then all of a sudden BAM I regress to a primitive state; back to toxic behaviors to self i.e. self-medication, and acting out (verbally) towards loved ones. The frequency of those occurrences, where I act out towards others, has diminished since I starting taking meds for bipolar disorder. However, they creep up on me still and shake me to my core when they rear their sadistic head. It’s like I can’t stop it from happening, I get in a bad mood, and I project my negative attitude and frustrations with people who don’t deserve that, but even still I can’t prevent it, my inhibitions running amok.

I bounce back, resiliency coded in my mental repertoire through experience, but I know it can’t be easy on those whose feelings I hurt. I am not sure they truly understand what I am going through, it is not an excuse but rather an explanation. I’ve been fighting this war for so long and succeeding for the most part, that I forget that I am not cured (may never be cured), and that I must continue to fight. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Like just not trying would be better, conforming to the self-stigmas of being a gay male living with HIV and Bipolar Type 1.

But then I catch my breath, reprogram those negative thoughts and move forward. Postive cognitive patterns lead to positive behavior. I do have a lot going for me (i.e. school and my research study), and I have family and friends who love me unconditionally. I am blessed that way. I feel like I am meant to survive these trials, to push through my turmoil, for a reason, a purpose. My purpose keeps me moving forward despite my setbacks. My purpose is to help others. This can be accomplished by being a clinical psychologist. I get lost in thought but in the process, I find the solution, a calming peaceful soothing wave of joy.

Happy writing and happy life to all,


Thesis statement for abnormal psych research paper

In Wiseman’s fictional tale What She Left Behind, one of the characters, Nurse Trench, exhibits traits associated with Antisocial Personality Disorder ASPD. Because women are less likely to be diagnosed with ASPD vs. Men, traits in women are significantly different. Therefore, traits associated with ASPD in women manifest differently both behaviorally and emotionally. These behaviors are most consistently observed in correctional facilities.