Sea of Emotions

Sometimes I wish I could just wash it all away. The panic, pain, fear, and anxieties. Fighting this war within myself is exhausting. I feel guilty for even thinking such thoughts. But I can’t help it. I’m broken. It’s an unshakable feeling of desperation and pain. My past submerged deep into my subconscious. Mind melting with emotions. Oceans wave that sucker-punches me, leaving me gasping for air, trying to breathe, to float, to prepare for the next wave.

Such is my life.

A series of turbulent ocean waves. The solution has always been my writing. As I pen this post, I begin to feel better. The sun is shining bright. I made it to my destination, my next meeting, to talk about my research project with Dr. Weatherford. My moment of weakness has diminished. I am strong. I will keep fighting this battle. There is a purpose for all this madness. This constant ebb and flow of happiness and sadness. He made me this way because He knew I could handle it. He made me this way for a reason. Even in our darkest days and moments, we are worthy of life.

Keep fighting that valiant battle. Cherish each moment!

Best regards,



He thought what better place for inspiration to transpire from, then, the panic of his beating heart
the location of-
induced by-

anxious-driven forward-thought
produced by-
erratic push-pull start-stop motions.

Illuminating shadows
Aware of-
waiting for-

Compelled by, the fire
And fog, a potent toxicity of-

mistakes bind us to this wasteland of infinite mourning.
created by-

heart-beating-syncopated-terror death-drum toll
integration of
illusions created by-
manifested in-

Riddled with-
Influenced by



Please excuse my chicken scratch, I wrote this in a frenzy, inspiration from a spontaneous combustion of creative flow.


I’ve been waiting for you all-night

slowly killing myself

waiting, for YOU to come save me


the only response I get

is a slow-ticking time clock counting down my time

and this empty space beside myself

Memories are my only comfort, YET

they are not enough to keep me warm at night amongst

the ice-cold panic of desperation

If they only knew

I HOPE they never do


Loss of control. That start with slips in judgement. Little white lies. I used to think it was just beca use I was adventurous. Living life. Without a care in the world. Little did I know that that mental state of carelessness, impulsivity, risk-taking was not normal behavior. I went long periods with an intense euphoric feeling. Now I know, those manic states were self-induced through self-medication. To numb the pain. Hypersensitive and easily influenced. Naive. Dysfunctional. Those periods of highs were followed by crushing lows. And sometimes I even experienced mixed episodes, elation quickly followed by sadness; sadness followed by elation, sometimes all at once. I used to think it would be so gratifying to have a healthy normal mind but then I think, oh how boring life would be. Thus is the enigma of this dual-polarizing mental illness otherwise known as bipolar disorder.

Blog update

I am ashamed that it has been so long since I blogged. I doubt that anyone is still listening. Well, if you are, here is a general update of the in-between. I hope to start writing more as I have passed the treacherous mid-term slump, moving in the final quarter of the semester.  I survived through a minor psychological meltdown that occurred mid-semester, very likely caused by daily stressors in my life in relation to the high volume of school/lab workload. My stress/anxieties had reached capacity, manifesting in loss of energy, lack of motivation, and an emotional meeting with my mentor/professor. I explained my situation and we moved forward in our joint research/academic endeavors. I got bumped down the line from my study to the first author to last author. I was a little salty at first but then I realized that this motion of events was a logical progression/outcome.  I am happy to step down to a minor role in the study thus passing the figurative baton to the next in line. I have 2 semesters left after the Fall 2017 term, and there are only 5 weeks of lectures followed by final exams. There are additional research opportunities I will be involved in starting as a minor role as a research assistant with one of my other professors, Dr. K. (clinical psychology). So far, just helping compile research, which I absolutely love to do. I am excited to see where it goes. More to come…