Have you ever been so consumed with what you were doing that you lost track of time? Hours turn into minutes. The beating-ticking-time clock grows quiet. Your internal clock in stasis mode. Time does not matter. You are lost in the moment. Happy. Free. Alive. Well, that is what it feels like at times in my life when joy overtakes me. It consumes me. It is a raw power, so strong it can cut through flesh like a knife does butter. It feels so good. Euphoric. Natural. The chemistry of my own brain. I feel lucky at times. Burdened as well. This bipolar mind. My life has its ups and downs. For the most part, it is good. But I have extreme episodes of both highs and lows. WHen I am up, man, I feel like I am literally atop the clouds (floating) and I laugh uncontrollably (so much so that I begin to weep). I see the world through rose-colored glasses and no-one can do wrong. Perhaps that’s where the danger lies, in my past, that moment, that “pure happiness” mode derails my other logical senses, it has propelled me into some dark worlds, naivete led me to some very bad people. Or rather I should say those people which may have been good at one point, did bad things (they saw the lamb and they attacked). But I learned that most things/events in life are situational rather than dispositional. My lively aura seemed to attract the worst people. I am lucky to be alive. When I feeling low/down, I am way deep down. Like further down than the sodden earth or the human can even fathom, buried deep below. No escape. Unable to move. Breathe. Think. The world is a crazy-mixed-up-place when I am in that type of mood.
My meds keep me neutral. I remember thinking, (this was 2 years ago when I got the diagnosis that I was bipolar) that I would turn into a zombie. I hesitated. I postponed my treatment. But zombie I did not become. Nor did I transform into another person. I am stronger today and better off. I find peace in knowing that I have the tools to change and that I am on a more focused path.
Blessed be those who are flexible for when they bend, they do not break.