daily life struggles

When random cashier at local supermarket stares at you funny after you complete your purchase, and you feel awkward, then you know your perceptions are askew. I walked into the local supermarket (a small neighborhood grocery store) called the Blue Marlin in South Padre Island, Texas (where we are vacationing for the week). I proceed to the front counter (that sells lottery tickets, does money orders, and sells cigarettes) and ask for Pall Mall’s, blue box, shorts, I place the debit card into the chip reader. She hands me the cigs and I say, “thank you” and she says nothing, displaying an indifferent smirk borderline judgey. I walk out puzzled but I realize that my face, my attitude (which I may not have even been consciously aware of) alarmed this cashier, made her feel awkward or maybe she just didn’t give a shit. It is all part of my life, being bipolar. I woke up from my nap and was not at 100 percent but I had a craving for cigarettes so I pushed through and went to the store. I know cigarettes are bad but they calm anxious mind. I have learned to push through, even when I feel judged or awkward. It is a skill that at times seems old-fashioned or out-of-date. I have learned to push through my emotional turmoil in daily tasks; going to the supermarket, gas station or picking up take-out. Sometimes it’s easier to hold a straight face and other times I can’t help but display the face that surfaces from the inside out. I tell myself those people don’t matter, the ones who judge or look at me funny. It hurts a little but I tell myself that it doesn’t matter. All part of my crazy life. The ups and downs, I take it all and I am thankful for my life regardless. There are many more ups then downs. I am thankful. I am blessed. I am humble and kind. I will always be that way, regardless of the way people I meet look at me/treat me. That’s just me. So just do you, don’t be afraid to make mistakes from time to time or feel silly. Just laugh it off and keep pushing through.

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