Upside to mania, extreme happiness, confidence and ability to tasks well; downside: lack of focus leads to poor completion rate of said tasks.
He thought what better place for inspiration to transpire from, then, the panic of his beating heart
the location of-
erratic push-pull start-stop motions.
Compelled by, the fire
And fog, a potent toxicity of-
mistakes bind us to this wasteland of infinite mourning.
heart-beating-syncopated-terror death-drum toll
illusions created by-
When inspiration hits, I don’t question the process or the journey the words/phrases may take me; I just simply write until I feel no more. –R.M.R
Please excuse my chicken scratch, I wrote this in a frenzy, inspiration from a spontaneous combustion of creative flow.
I’ve been waiting for you all-night
slowly killing myself
waiting, for YOU to come save me
the only response I get
is a slow-ticking time clock counting down my time
and this empty space beside myself
Memories are my only comfort, YET
they are not enough to keep me warm at night amongst
the ice-cold panic of desperation
If they only knew…
I HOPE they never do
Loss of control. That start with slips in judgement. Little white lies. I used to think it was just beca use I was adventurous. Living life. Without a care in the world. Little did I know that that mental state of carelessness, impulsivity, risk-taking was not normal behavior. I went long periods with an intense euphoric feeling. Now I know, those manic states were self-induced through self-medication. To numb the pain. Hypersensitive and easily influenced. Naive. Dysfunctional. Those periods of highs were followed by crushing lows. And sometimes I even experienced mixed episodes, elation quickly followed by sadness; sadness followed by elation, sometimes all at once. I used to think it would be so gratifying to have a healthy normal mind but then I think, oh how boring life would be. Thus is the enigma of this dual-polarizing mental illness otherwise known as bipolar disorder.
I am ashamed that it has been so long since I blogged. I doubt that anyone is still listening. Well, if you are, here is a general update of the in-between. I hope to start writing more as I have passed the treacherous mid-term slump, moving in the final quarter of the semester. I survived through a minor psychological meltdown that occurred mid-semester, very likely caused by daily stressors in my life in relation to the high volume of school/lab workload. My stress/anxieties had reached capacity, manifesting in loss of energy, lack of motivation, and an emotional meeting with my mentor/professor. I explained my situation and we moved forward in our joint research/academic endeavors. I got bumped down the line from my study to the first author to last author. I was a little salty at first but then I realized that this motion of events was a logical progression/outcome. I am happy to step down to a minor role in the study thus passing the figurative baton to the next in line. I have 2 semesters left after the Fall 2017 term, and there are only 5 weeks of lectures followed by final exams. There are additional research opportunities I will be involved in starting as a minor role as a research assistant with one of my other professors, Dr. K. (clinical psychology). So far, just helping compile research, which I absolutely love to do. I am excited to see where it goes. More to come…