Sometimes you have to be tested, pushed to the edge, to see the potential risks of maladaptive behaviors; and, in this process, when flooded with perceived fear/anxieties, automatic processing takes over. That ubstable state of mind leads us to a forced binary choice “pass” or “fail, and in this state, we push through the negative byproducts and heal. Perhaps our brains were designed this way as a survival mechanism deeply rooted in evolution.
It’s been awhile since I wrote. My life has been consumed by school and lab duties including my own academic research project on facial recognition and diversity. My daily stressors have at times got the best of me, more so now in this moment. It’s like I can be doing so well and then all of a sudden BAM I regress to a primitive state; back to toxic behaviors to self i.e. self-medication, and acting out (verbally) towards loved ones. The frequency of those occurrences, where I act out towards others, has diminished since I starting taking meds for bipolar disorder. However, they creep up on me still and shake me to my core when they rear their sadistic head. It’s like I can’t stop it from happening, I get in a bad mood, and I project my negative attitude and frustrations with people who don’t deserve that, but even still I can’t prevent it, my inhibitions running amok.
I bounce back, resiliency coded in my mental repertoire through experience, but I know it can’t be easy on those whose feelings I hurt. I am not sure they truly understand what I am going through, it is not an excuse but rather an explanation. I’ve been fighting this war for so long and succeeding for the most part, that I forget that I am not cured (may never be cured), and that I must continue to fight. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Like just not trying would be better, conforming to the self-stigmas of being a gay male living with HIV and Bipolar Type 1.
But then I catch my breath, reprogram those negative thoughts and move forward. Postive cognitive patterns lead to positive behavior. I do have a lot going for me (i.e. school and my research study), and I have family and friends who love me unconditionally. I am blessed that way. I feel like I am meant to survive these trials, to push through my turmoil, for a reason, a purpose. My purpose keeps me moving forward despite my setbacks. My purpose is to help others. This can be accomplished by being a clinical psychologist. I get lost in thought but in the process, I find the solution, a calming peaceful soothing wave of joy.
Happy writing and happy life to all,
Cash is king. Love this cover!